The art of lying is the strongest acknowledgment of the force of truth. …
Our belief systems, values, and understanding of the meaning of life shape our behavior, including how we communicate and treat others. Generally, no one likes being lied to, especially by loved ones or a partner. However, certain situations may lead us to question why we behave in certain ways, or why our partner’s actions contradict their beliefs, values, or sense of meaning. Lying in a romantic relationship, whether by not telling the truth or hiding things, can go against our core values and beliefs, yet it still happens. If you’re seeking self-reflection, self-awareness, and a deeper exploration of the psychological factors behind lying, I suggest reading the following sentences and paragraphs. When we talk about lying, it also includes hiding things—because withholding information can be a form of deception. The following paragraphs explores some of the main psychological reasons why people might lie to their partner.
Power seeking and Controlling, and Manipulation
Lying often involves hiding information, and it becomes more common when people are seeking to gain power over someone or a situation. This can be especially true in relationships. It’s possible that one or both partners in a romantic relationship may attempt to dominate or exert power over the other, leading them to hide things to maintain or increase their control. Psychological factors such as insecurity, anxiety, stress, and an insecure attachment style can drive individuals to seek more power in a relationship.
This need for power also manifests when a person tries to control or manipulate their partner or the dynamics of the relationship. According to Alfred Adler, a pioneer in psychology, feelings of inferiority can lead a person to control, dominate, or manipulate others, including their partner. These behaviors often stem from deep-seated psychological issues, making power-seeking a complex and significant aspect of certain relationships.
Superiority
In relationships where partners are in competition, the desire for superiority can be a significant psychological reason for lying. A person may lie to portray themselves as the “good” person while depicting their partner as the opposite. This competitive dynamic can lead to deception as a way to maintain a favorable self-image and diminish the other’s. In such relationships, lying may be used to win arguments or maintain a sense of superiority over the partner.
The idea that “knowledge is power” also plays a role—hiding information can reduce the partner’s power and help the other maintain their superiority. A partner may prefer to keep secrets to preserve their dominant position in the relationship. Additionally, narcissistic individuals, who often have an inflated sense of self-importance, may lie to maintain their perceived superiority. For them, this behavior helps avoid cognitive dissonance and the discomfort of seeing themselves as anything less than superior in the relationship.
Protection of Feelings and Emotions
In a romantic relationship, a partner may choose to hide things or even lie to protect their partner’s feelings and emotions, aiming to prevent them from getting hurt, even if only temporarily. For instance, if a partner has committed infidelity and now feels guilty, they might refrain from sharing the truth to avoid causing their partner sadness, depression, or other negative emotions, or to prevent creating discomfort and distance within their partner’s comfort zone. In other words, a partner may choose to conceal certain truths to shield their partner’s feelings and emotions, regardless of the potential long-term consequences for the relationship.
This raises a significant couples counselling question: should such truths, like infidelity, cheating and having an affair, be shared with a partner? If not, how does this impact the commitment in a romantic relationship? Is it possible to maintain a committed relationship without being honest about actions that occurred during the relationship?
Moreover, protecting feelings and emotions isn’t solely about shielding the other partner. Sometimes, a person lies to protect themselves from emotional pain or discomfort. They might justify their lies by claiming they’re protecting others, but in reality, they may be trying to safeguard their own feelings and emotions and maintain their comfort zone. This self-protection can be a significant motivator behind their decision to deceive.
Having an Anxious Attachment Style
There are several signs of a person dealing with an anxious attachment style, including fear of abandonment, a need for reassurance, dependency, emotional reactivity, difficulty trusting, and conflict avoidance. These traits can encourage a person to lie as a way to cope, even if it’s unhealthy. Anxious individuals often avoid any triggers that might heighten their anxiety, which can lead them to hide things or lie to their partner.
It’s common for people with anxiety to lie about even small matters because their anxiety drives them to do so, despite fully believing in commitment within their romantic relationship. It’s important to understand that when anxious individuals lie, it’s not necessarily about deceiving the person they’re lying to; it’s about managing their own anxiety.
Moreover, an anxious person often avoids conflict and, to do so, may resort to lying. They may even be willing to postpone real conflicts, and in doing so, they might choose to lie as a means of delaying the inevitable confrontation.
Fear as a Psychological Reason for Lying
Fear is a significant psychological reason for lying. People often lie because they are afraid, and this fear can take many forms, including fear of change, fear of loss of autonomy, fear of vulnerability, fear of judgment, fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of rejection, and fear of consequences.
When it comes to the fear of consequences, individuals may lie to avoid punishment, conflict, or rejection in a relationship. The fear of these outcomes can drive them to conceal the truth or even distort it to avoid negative repercussions, such as losing their partner.
The fear of rejection often stems from the worry that sharing the truth will hurt a loved one’s feelings and lead to rejection. Similarly, the fear of failure can lead a person to hide their weaknesses or mistakes from their partner to avoid embarrassment and maintain their self-image.
Fear of loss may involve the fear of losing the relationship or losing control by revealing the truth. Meanwhile, fear of the unknown can demotivate someone from sharing the truth because of the uncertainty about how their partner will react. When people fear judgment, they worry that their loved ones will criticize or question their personality, habits, beliefs, or past actions. To avoid this judgment, they might choose to hide the truth.
Although vulnerability is often encouraged to strengthen relationships, some individuals fear that being vulnerable will compromise their emotional security. As a result, they may lie or hide the truth to protect themselves from feeling exposed.
In cases where a partner feels that their autonomy is threatened or limited by the other partner, lying can become a coping mechanism to protect their independence in the relationship.
The fear of change can also lead to lying. When a person perceives that a change in their habits or behaviors is being forced upon them, they may lie to resist this pressure and protect their sense of stability.
Lastly, the fear of disappointing others can drive someone to lie. When a person values someone highly, they may go to great lengths to avoid causing disappointment. If they’ve made a mistake, they might fear that being honest will lead to disappointment, and so they choose to lie instead.
Comfort zone
A partner may lie to their significant other because they lack a sense of comfort in the relationship. Generally, when a person doesn’t feel secure in their comfort zone, they may resort to lying or hiding things, even in a relationship where commitment and mutual comfort are expected. This raises a significant question: how can partners create a strong enough comfort zone in their relationship to fully enjoy each other’s company?
A partner who feels insecure in a relationship may find reasons to justify lying to their partner. Often, this insecurity stems from feeling judged, criticized, questioned, or disrespected within the relationship. When someone experiences these negative interactions, they may avoid honesty and authenticity because they fear that being truthful could make them feel even more insecure. In such cases, lying becomes a way to protect themselves from further discomfort or vulnerability.
Trauma Response and PTSD React
Individuals who have experienced trauma or PTSD may feel compelled to hide or lie to others as a means of self-protection. They often avoid vulnerability, and the discomfort associated with confronting the realities of the world. This is particularly true for those who do not want to re-experience painful situations from their past, as they seek to avoid further harm. Sometimes, they may even lie to themselves and others to escape the burden of painful memories.
Feelings of shame or guilt, often tied to a negative perception of their dignity and self-worth, can drive a person to conceal their vulnerability. This internal conflict between maintaining dignity and battling shame and guilt can make it difficult for them to be honest and open in a relationship. The emotional rollercoaster experienced by individuals with PTSD or those who have been traumatized can further prevent them from being truthful with themselves and others.
Given these challenges, lying can be seen as a trauma response and PTSD react for someone who has been through significant hardships, whether it be abuse, neglect, or other forms of trauma experienced during childhood, adolescence, or through their upbringing. Further, this applies regardless of the type of PTSD—whether it is acute PTSD, chronic PTSD, complex PTSD, delayed onset PTSD, comorbid PTSD, uncomplicated PTSD, or birth-related PTSD. In such cases, lying becomes a coping mechanism to protect themselves from further emotional distress.
Individuals suffering from low self-esteem may lie to please others, to be heard, and to receive the attention they crave. Sometimes, a partner who seeks greater acceptance from their significant other may lie more frequently or even try to present things differently. Lying, in this context, can stem from a desire to gain acceptance from others, including a partner or spouse, whether in a romantic relationship or more generally in life.
When a person struggles with low self-esteem—often rooted in a negative self-image, lack of self-acceptance, or insufficient self-confidence—it can affect their trustworthiness in a relationship. Such individuals may genuinely want to improve their relationship, but they turn to lying as a means of gaining acceptance from others, hoping it will make them feel better about themselves.
Considering all the reasons above, if we want to avoid mistrust, deception, hiding, or lying in a relationship, we must consider various factors. These include the comfort zone within the relationship, whether our partner is anxious, how they seek to protect the relationship or their partner, their desire for power, whether they suffer from low self-esteem, are struggling with trauma or PTSD, or have fears or competitiveness within the relationship, or a strong need for superiority.
It is crucial to assess how each partner is willing to compromise and be vulnerable in order to prevent lying or hiding, ensuring that neither partner feels mistreated, cheated, or excluded. Trust and healthy relationships go hand in hand, and lying or hiding can significantly damage the relationship over time. By understanding the underlying reasons for lying, couples can work to prevent the destruction of their romantic relationship.
If you feel that these factors need to be addressed in greater detail or if you believe a therapeutic dialogue is necessary, please do not hesitate to reach out. You can schedule counselling and psychotherapy sessions to take place in person at Park Place in downtown Vancouver, or if you live in the Tri-cities (Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam, and Port Moody), you can come to my other office in the Tri-city Business Centre located on Shaughnessy Street. Additionally, you can receive counselling and psychotherapy services online via Telehealth or virtually. If you have benefits from ICBC counselling, please feel free to reach out as well.
