Have you ever found yourself dreading the possibility of separation, whether through a breakup or divorce? Are you anxious about losing your romantic partner and struggling with these thoughts in your current relationship? If so, it’s important to recognize that such challenging and painful fears are common among human beings.
As a clinician, I have witnessed many clients sharing these fears in therapy sessions. Loss can manifest in various ways, whether through the passing of a loved one or the dissolution of a relationship. In both cases, the fear of losing someone is a powerful and universal experience.
If you are grappling with the fear of losing someone or the anxiety associated with a potential breakup, I encourage you to continue reading this article for valuable insights and guidance.
What are the sources of such fears?
- Your Past
When delving into negative emotions we experience in the present, it’s crucial to acknowledge that one significant source is often rooted in our past and upbringing. Consequently, I recommend considering the past as a key contributor to the fear of losing someone. Perhaps you faced rejection or neglect from parents or family members during childhood. It’s even possible that you experienced trauma related to loss in your formative years, carrying those past experiences into your present. Exploring these past narratives can provide insight into the origins of your fear and cover the way for healing and understanding.
2. Your Present Self-Concept
Understanding how we perceive ourselves and the narrative we create around our qualities and characteristics is pivotal. It’s essential to identify and articulate our strengths and weaknesses. The more self-awareness we cultivate about our attributes, the less likely we are to succumb to fear. Confidence in ourselves, our ability to navigate situations independently, and the degree of self-reliance play a crucial role. Additionally, assessing the depth of self-love and the unconditional nature of that love is imperative.
Addressing these psychological components within our self-concept becomes crucial. By empowering ourselves and cultivating a stronger self-concept, we equip ourselves to confront and manage the fear of losing someone or the anxiety surrounding a potential breakup.
3. Living in Uncertainty
In discussions with numerous clients about the fear of breaking up, a recurring theme has been the apprehension towards uncertainty and the unknown that follows a loss or breakup. It’s essential to delve into the intricacies of human nature, recognizing that uncertainty is a fundamental aspect of our existence. Resistance to this inherent uncertainty amplifies the fear of losing someone, making it challenging to process.
Rather than resisting uncertainty, embracing and accepting it becomes crucial. Prioritizing self-care, fostering personal growth, and investing in ourselves are paramount. Instead of fixating on an uncertain future, finding solace in present joys and gratitude is advised. Shifting our focus from the future to the present and challenging our thoughts is vital. Acknowledging that many past worst-case scenarios never materialized reinforces the idea that our thoughts don’t always dictate reality. The adage ‘whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ holds significance in navigating uncertainty.
When we engage with uncertainty, we inadvertently divert our attention from the present. By embracing a mindset that emphasizes control and focuses on the current moment, we empower ourselves. Additionally, pondering the concept of chaos prompts the question: What is the meaning we assign to chaos? Instead of viewing uncertainty as a disruption, it can be an opportunity to rediscover meaning in our lives amidst the chaos of the world.
4. Some unfair assumptions
Take a moment to reflect on whether you might be living with certain assumptions:
“It’s better to be with someone than no one”
“Everything is permanent.”
“I am not good enough.”
“I am the problem.”
“People are judging me.”
It’s essential to reassess these assumptions and question their validity in your life. Reconnect with yourself and recognize that it’s perfectly acceptable to be alone; being in a relationship doesn’t define your worth. Embrace the reality that impermanence is a part of life, and nobody is perfect—making mistakes is a human experience, not an indication that you are the problem. Consider that people judging others is a common occurrence, but it doesn’t dictate your worth or define who you are.
Remember, whatever challenges you face, they won’t defeat you; instead, they have the potential to empower you.
What are the Benefits of Fear?
- Courage
As Jack Canfield aptly stated, ‘Everything you want is on the other side of fear.’ The journey to self-improvement and growth often requires confronting and overcoming our fears. To position ourselves on the other side of fear, we must embrace and practice courage. It’s essential to recognize that without fear, the opportunity to exercise courage diminishes. By intentionally engaging in exercises that require courage, we pave the way for personal growth and development.
2. Resilient
Resilient individuals navigate their own circumstances adeptly, mastering their environment and effectively regulating their emotional responses. Consequently, when faced with fear, embracing and confronting it can contribute to cultivating resilience in our lives. This fear-driven resilience not only empowers us but also fosters a sense of inner strength, making us more capable of facing life’s challenges.
3. Motivation
When confronted with fear, it serves as a powerful motivator propelling us to confront the scary situation. Rather than succumbing to fear, it becomes a catalyst for action, prompting us to explore strategies to address and overcome it. This motivation encourages us to assess our capabilities and empowers us to take proactive steps, ultimately fostering personal growth and resilience. In essence, fear, when met with a proactive mindset, becomes a driving force for empowerment and progress.
When we lack a sufficient level of fear, it often leads to a lack of significant action in our lives. Striking the right balance in the intensity of our fear is crucial; too much can be overwhelming, while too little might hinder our ability to cultivate motivation. Recognizing fear as a potent motivator and a key element in building resilience and courage is essential.
4. Freedom
Aristotle’s insightful words, “he who has overcome his fears will truly be free,” highlight the profound connection between facing fear and achieving true freedom. It is through the acknowledgment and conscious engagement with our fears that we pave the way for a more empowered and liberated existence.
Conclusion
By confronting various instances of fear, such as the fear of breaking up, we embark on a journey of personal growth, resilience, heightened motivation, courage, and ultimately, a greater sense of freedom.
When faced with the fear of losing a loved one, a powerful and often painful emotion, it prompts consideration of two distinct scenarios: the possibility of remaining with them and continuing to share in each other’s company, or the prospect of losing them and confronting the fear, potentially yielding the benefits mentioned earlier. Can you imagine another scenario beyond these two alternatives?
If you suffer from such a fear , don’t hesitate to reach out. This will provide an opportunity to discuss the matter and receive valuable professional support. You can schedule counselling and psychotherapy sessions to take place in person at Park Place in downtown Vancouver, or if you live in the Tri-cities (Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam, and Port Moody), you can come to my other office in the Tri-city Business Centre located on Shaughnessy Street. Additionally, you can receive counselling and psychotherapy services online via Telehealth or virtually.
