There are moments—fleeting or persistent—when a quiet voice inside whispers: I’m not good enough. It may come in the wake of comparison, rejection, or self-doubt. It may have been planted years ago by words that cut too deep, by expectations never met, by love that felt conditional. And though you may silence it temporarily, it lingers, waiting for the next moment of uncertainty to return. But where does this feeling come from? And more importantly—what if it isn’t telling the truth?
The Weight of Expectations
No one is born believing they are not enough. This belief takes root in the spaces where validation was withheld, where success felt like the only path to worth, where mistakes were met with shame instead of understanding. Over time, we internalize expectations—some from family, some from society, some from past experiences—until we measure ourselves against standards that were never ours to begin with. And when we fall short? The voice returns.
Why Do We Feel Like We’re Not Enough?
I have met many clients who criticize themselves, convinced they are not good enough. Undoubtedly, past experiences, the way others treated us, and moments of failure shape this belief. I remember clients saying:
• I don’t feel good enough because no one ever told me I was—not my caregivers, not my parents.
• I feel this way because I failed to reach some of my goals.
• I see my friends succeeding, following their plans, and making progress while I feel stuck.
• I feel unmotivated because I tried to get what I wanted, but it didn’t happen.
One of the biggest traps we fall into is comparison—measuring ourselves against others without realizing that we are comparing our inner struggles to their outward success. We look at their achievements, their confidence, their seemingly perfect lives, but we don’t see what’s beneath the surface. We don’t see their fears, their failures, or the moments they felt just as lost.
The truth is, we are comparing our inside to someone else’s window—our deepest insecurities to the carefully presented image others choose to show the world. And in that comparison, we always come up short.
The Cycle of “Not Good Enough” and Anxiety
Feeling inadequate often leads to stress and anxiety—and in turn, that anxiety reinforces the belief that we are not enough. It becomes a vicious cycle:
1. We feel like we are not good enough.
2. That feeling triggers stress and anxiety about our worth, our future, and our relationships.
3. The stress makes it harder to think clearly, take action, or see our strengths.
4. As a result, we feel even more inadequate, believing we are failing in some way.
5. The cycle repeats.
Anxiety makes the feeling of not being good enough louder, stronger, and more consuming. It can make us second-guess our choices, doubt our abilities, and fear rejection. And yet, what we often forget is that these thoughts are not objective truths—they are symptoms of stress and self-doubt, not evidence of failure.
Beyond “Not Good Enough”: A Deeper Look at Self-Worth
When we talk about feeling inadequate, we are often dealing with more than just a fleeting thought. Psychological components such as:
• Self-acceptance – The ability to embrace who we are, as we are.
• Self-confidence – Trusting in our abilities, even when we doubt ourselves.
• Self-esteem – The value we assign to ourselves, independent of achievements.
• Self-love – The kindness we extend to ourselves, even in moments of struggle.
• Self-doubt – The inner voice that questions whether we are capable or worthy.
All of these factors contribute to how we perceive ourselves. Sometimes, they are in balance. Other times, one aspect may feel weaker than the others, leading us to believe we are not good enough.
But let’s go beyond that thought. Let’s recognize the reality: every person has strengths and areas for growth. Having space to improve does not mean you are not good enough—it simply means you are human.
Even accepting vulnerability is significant. When we acknowledge our insecurities, we take the first step toward self-acceptance. True confidence is not about perfection—it is about embracing ourselves fully, weaknesses included.
How “Not Good Enough” Shows Up in Relationships
The feeling of inadequacy doesn’t just affect how we see ourselves—it seeps into our relationships.
• In romantic relationships, it may show up as the fear of not being lovable enough or worthy of a deep connection.
• In friendships, it may manifest as social comparison, questioning whether we truly belong.
• In work and personal life, it can lead to imposter syndrome—the belief that we are undeserving of success.
This feeling does not define you. It is a thought, a learned belief—not a truth.
Reframing “Not Good Enough”
When clients share these thoughts, I often ask: How incredible is it that you care enough to want to improve? How ambitious are you that you still strive for more? It has always been a challenge for people to grow—to be better in their personal lives, relationships, and careers. So, if you feel like you’re not good enough, look at the other side of that message. It means you want to be better than today, better than now.
What If You Didn’t Have to Prove Anything?
The idea that we must constantly prove our worth is exhausting. It creates an endless chase—one more achievement, one more approval, one more reason to be enough. But what if enough isn’t something you have to earn? What if it’s something you already are?
Your value is not in how perfectly you perform, how much you accomplish, or how others perceive you. It exists in your presence, your experiences, your existence—as imperfect and unfinished as they may be.
Moving Beyond “Not Enough”
If you’ve spent years believing you are not enough, you won’t undo it overnight. But you can start small:
• Notice when the thought arises—where you are, what triggered it, how it makes you feel.
• Ask yourself, Is this expectation mine, or did I inherit it from someone else?
• Challenge the thought. Would I say this to a friend? Would I let them believe it?
• Shift the focus. Instead of proving your worth, practice accepting it.
You may not feel enough every day. That’s okay. But feelings, as strong as they are, do not define reality. And reality is this—you are already enough, just as you are.
Need Support? Reach Out
If these feelings resonate with you and you’d like to explore them further, professional counselling and Psychotherapy can help. Whether you are struggling with self-worth, relationships, anxiety, or personal growth, you don’t have to navigate this alone.
If you are in Vancouver, BC, Coquitlam, or Port Coquitlam, and you’re looking for counselling services, psychotherapy and coaching feel free to reach out. Therapy can provide a space to work through self-doubt, build self-acceptance, and reconnect with your strengths. You can schedule counselling and psychotherapy sessions to take place in person at Park Place in downtown Vancouver, or if you live in the Tri-cities (Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam, and Port Moody), you can come to my other office in the Tri-city Business Centre located on Shaughnessy Street. Additionally, you can receive counselling and psychotherapy services online via Telehealth or virtually. If you have benefits from ICBC counselling, please feel free to reach out as well.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need to wait until you feel good enough to start living fully. You don’t need to meet an invisible standard to be worthy of love, success, or happiness. The journey is not about becoming enough—it’s about realizing you already are.
