Because the lion cannot defend himself against snares and the fox cannot defend himself against wolves. Therefore, it is necessary to be a fox to discover the snares and a lion to terrify the wolves. The Prince, by Niccolò Machiavelli
If you often blame yourself for feeling and expressing anger, then feel guilt or shame, or start criticizing yourself more than before, I suggest reading the following paragraphs. Consider another perspective on anger—seeing it not only as a natural emotion but one to celebrate. Understanding anger can help you see its necessity for maintaining a healthy comfort zone and making progress in personal and professional life. It reflects our need to assert power over our lives and situations. Understanding anger and its connection to anxiety and power is crucial for personal and professional growth. By embracing healthy anger expression, you can maintain control over your life and avoid the negative effects of suppression or aggressive outbursts. This article explores the importance of expressing anger assertively and how it can enhance your sense of power and well-being.
Many reasons can trigger anger, such as breakups, loss, interactions with others, unexpected incidents, unmet goals, failures, and unmet expectations. The overarching issue in these scenarios is a perceived lack of power, leading to feelings of compromised self-control. This loss of power generates anxiety, which we express as anger.
Indeed, the central point of anger is about prioritizing power over situations and conditions. We strive to maintain our power and have the right to do so. When we are angry, it signifies our effort to assert control over our circumstances. People naturally seek to have as much power over their lives and situations as possible. This becomes especially significant when faced with unexpected or undesired events, which can be perceived as threats to our control.
Expressing anxiety as anger indicates a desire to regain at least temporary control over our lives and situations. Those who seek more power are more likely to express their anxiety through anger to assert dominance over the situation. It is important to recognize that everyone has the right to be angry, and it is a healthy response to feeling threatened or out of control.
Power-seeking can lead anxious people to express their anger. Instead of solely discussing how to control our anger, we should sometimes explore the importance of power in our lives. When we are anxious, automatic thoughts may arise that make us feel threatened, leading us to believe our power is being compromised. Consequently, we might express our anger to maintain a sense of control over situations and conditions, even if that control is merely an illusion.
Human beings strive to stay in their comfort zone because it provides a sense of control over situations and conditions. When we are in our comfort zone, we feel capable of managing the circumstances around us. However, when our comfort zone and sense of power are threatened, it can lead to anxiety, as we feel a loss of control. To regain this control, we might use anger as a tool to restore our sense of power over the situation.
So, a question arises: does expressing our anger guarantee that our power will not be compromised? To address this question, we need to consider the right approach to our anger. Generally, there are two approaches: expressing and suppressing. Expressing can be done calmly and assertively, or aggressively. The more effective approach is expressing assertively and calmly, as this helps maintain our power. On the other hand, expressing anger aggressively or suppressing it can lead to a loss of power. Expressing anger calmly and assertively allows us to maintain our power without causing negative side effects that might harm our relationships or environments by threatening others’ comfort zones and provoking defensive reactions.
However, using other approaches such as suppression or expressing anger aggressively may compromise our power, and we may need to pay a high price for it: When we suppress our anger, there can be various side effects, including biological issues such as hypertension and high blood pressure, as well as psychological effects like depression, passive-aggressive behavior, or personality issues such as constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments. Additionally, suppression can lead to unsuccessful relationships, including romantic ones. When we suppress our feelings and emotions, we fail to raise our voices and advocate for ourselves, resulting in a lack of power over conditions and situations. This is a significant price to pay for suppressing our emotions.
That said, people who suppress their feelings to remain in their comfort zones and maintain control over their situations and conditions may temporarily feel secure but ultimately do not feel well and often end up expressing their emotions aggressively. Furthermore, expressing feelings and anger aggressively is akin to a ‘fight or flight’ response. While this might demonstrate power temporarily, it does not sustain power in the long term. Aggressive expression of emotions can provoke others to fight back, resist compromise, and judge those who cannot manage their emotions effectively. As a result, these individuals are unable to maintain their power over situations and conditions, as they are judged by others, and such judgmental actions can undermine their power.
Having said that, it is okay for people to feel angry, and it is meaningful for them to express their anger to maintain their power over situations and conditions and to stay within their comfort zones. However, the way they express their anger can be problematic, especially if they initially suppress it and then express it aggressively. People generally desire peace, and expressing anger aggressively can make others feel insecure and defensive. Consequently, this can compromise our power.
All in all, power and anxiety go hand in hand. When we feel our power is compromised, we experience more anxiety, and to maintain our power, we often express this anxiety in the form of anger.
When discussing anger and addressing anxiety as its root cause, we need to consider the main reason people become anxious: the perception that their power has been compromised by someone or by a situation, leaving them outside their comfort zone. This feeling of powerlessness leads to anxiety. To regain power over these situations and conditions, people need to express their anger, respect it, and even celebrate it. Expressing anger allows individuals to advocate for themselves, raise their voices, show self-confidence, clarify boundaries, and demonstrate their true selves appropriately. Therefore, it is essential for everyone to embrace their anger to build confidence. However, the next step is to navigate this anger by expressing it assertively and healthily. This approach ultimately enhances our control over conditions and situations and helps us pursue our goals in both professional and personal life.
Should you feel compelled to explore self-awareness and self-improvement further, and seek guidance to better understand yourself and navigate anger management issues, do not hesitate to reach out for professional support. You can schedule counselling and psychotherapy sessions to take place in person at Park Place in downtown Vancouver, or if you live in the Tri-cities (Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam, and Port Moody), you can come to my other office in the Tri-city Business Centre located on Shaughnessy Street. Additionally, you can receive counselling and psychotherapy services online via Telehealth or virtually.
